Understanding Men, Cherishing Women

I’ve got a really exciting announcement to make. I’m almost nauseous about it.

But first … I’ve made so many mistakes with women. It’s embarrassing.

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I’m your average great guy, with three sisters, two amazing mothers and great relationships with them all. I’m great friends with women, but I ain’t no “friend-zone” kinda guy, either. I’ve had my share of great romance.

However, when I look back at intimate loves past, I see my backyard field of dreams filled with mounds of wreckage where too many beautiful possibilities have crash-landed.

What have I been completely overlooking all these years to co-create so much confusion, misunderstanding, frustration and agonizing heartbreak with women?

Burning Questions

This is the exact question I have been exploring for 4 years, since my last chaotic relationship with a fascinating woman who decided early on she couldn’t really trust me.

It wasn’t because I cheated on her. I didn’t. I never even wanted to. She was the love of my life up ‘till then. But I didn’t know how to show up for her as a Man. I wasn’t ready to fight my own demons to win her feminine heart. I was an adolescent boy in a 35-year old man’s body.

So I ran from her, even when I stayed in the room. She felt my ongoing abandonment, and that’s why she didn’t trust me. Unfortunately, her way of dealing with this was to rage. And man, did she rage. I believe I was also a stand-in for every other disoriented man who had ever let her down, abandoned her, hurt her, misused, mistreated or dismissed her.

We treated each other as adversaries. Like countless couples, we ached to love – and be loved by – each other. But we too often made each other an enemy with the power to make us happy or despair.

Android Jones - "Love is a riot"

Android Jones – “Love is a riot”

I tried everything to make that relationship work. I took us to therapy and Landmark Education; I studied Byron Katie and read relationship books and anything I could think of. I worked on myself and begged her to do the same. I even went to Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous meetings, believing I was addicted to her crazy love over which I had no power. The relationship ended one Friday evening when I refused to participate in what I knew would be an angry phone call. We were done. That was that.

I was utterly heartbroken and devoid of hope.

Heartache-CaFleureBon

I had tried everything. I needed SLAA meetings to escape.

How could I ever possibly experience the conscious, passionate relationship my whole being has been dying for?

Consider this: With a Masters Degree in Human Behavior (University of Oklahoma), I have been a passionate student of human potential and practical psychology since I was 10. I’d read all the iconic self-help and spirituality books and been to all the workshops. I was even headed to American University to study International Peace and Conflict Resolution to help bring peace to the Middle East, until a sexy French woman yanked me off that path and proceeded to kick my man-boy ass.

I am an intelligent, heart-felt man. I am profoundly educated about human behavior.

But no one ever taught me how to be a healthy mature Man in an intimate relationship.

My fathers didn’t teach me. My moms didn’t teach me. Self-help books never taught me. Nor did hero athletes, movies, politicians or my uncles.

Culture taught me that marriage is hard and that wedding rings make a woman hate sex and make a man give up blow-jobs for the rest of his life while doing work he doesn’t love to provide stability for his kids and the woman who won’t be doing the blow-jobs.

This can’t be … and not just because of the blow jobs.

Married_With_Children_What_I_Did_for_Love

Intimate relationships must have something to offer other than pain, resentment or boredom.

I was desperate to unlock the secrets to creating thriving, passionate, conscious relationships.

Well … I’ve found them.

Insight for men AND women … and whatever your sexual orientation.

Actually, it’s more like I’ve slipped past the dragon and found my way into a massive cave full of shiny, shimmering treasure boxes filled with golden keys that unlock the secrets of magnificent intimate relationships.

I know that’s a big statement. It’s not like I’ve discovered something no one has ever seen before.

But for the last 4 years I’ve been devouring the wisdom of teachers like Robert Bly, Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Alison Armstrong, David Deida, Robert Moore, Douglas Gillette, Tony Robbins and others – at their workshops, in their books and online courses, and in countless personal conversations. I’ve recently coached over 100 people, exploring men and women’s deepest fears and desires around attraction, sexuality and intimate relationships.

All this brilliant insight, contrasted with my ignorance over the years, as well as what I’m exploring with all my friends, coaching clients and anyone who will talk about this stuff with me … well, I’m super excited to unlock all these treasures with you.

love locks

I’ve shared many powerful insights through my blogs.

There’s so much more.

In the past 8 weeks alone I’ve done 10 podcast interviews because people want more of this insight. I even attracted the attention of Sunrise Australia, the #1 Talk Show in Australia because of a blog I wrote on the One Thing Women Are Afraid of in Men.

I’m clearly tapping into deep wisdom that’s making a difference in people’s lives. I can’t wait to share more and more.

Thus … my exciting announcement:

Understanding Men / Cherishing Women

A New 6-Week Online Program

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I’m creating a 6-week online program to share with you all the best stuff I’ve got on how men and women can come together in true partnership and create awesome relationships together. (or men and men … or women and women … what I’m going to share is bigger than gender)

We must stop acting as adversaries and start remembering we’re on the same team.

We truly love each other. We’re simply ignorant about fundamental forces and dynamics which can create persistent conflict.

I’m going to help you dispel critical misunderstandings that can cause stress in your relationships – even your relationship to yourself.

In the end, we all simply want to be our authentic selves everyday AND create inspiring, passionate intimate relationships.

I’m going to help you do that.

WHEN??

I want you to have this powerful content before the holidays so you’re even more empowered to have an amazing holiday season. Whether you’re in a relationship or single, what I’m going to share is so powerful it will help you better understand your lover(s), spouses, friends, even your parents and children … but especially yourself.

I’ll tell you more in the coming days. It’s not quite ready.

HOWEVER … I NEED YOUR HELP to make this program really strong. Before I finalize it, will you take this simple 60-second survey?

It’s Anonymous. Two Questions. 60-seconds.

Please take the survey now @ https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/HZLHXZP

surveymonkey copy

THANKS!

I’ll be back soon with more. This is so exciting!

p.s. I really am a bit nauseous about stepping out this way. But I know this: If there is something you MUST do but you’re NOT doing because you’re scared to fail … that “scared-shitless” you feel when you’re getting ready to do that thing (or actually doing it) is WAY MUCH BETTER than the “depressed and despairing” you feel when you don’t. So get on with it already!

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Posted in Conscious Relationships, Love, Masculine Feminine, Mature Masculinity, Relationships, Self-Discovery, Sexuality, Take Action

The World Doesn’t Need Your Playing Safe

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The world doesn’t need your playing safe.

The love you deeply yearn for doesn’t want your playing safe. Not the one you really want. The love you ache for wants you Raw. Unbridled. Unfiltered. Real. The authentic partner you may feel like you’re literally dying for – even the one you may already be with – can’t love your bullshit.

We have entered the Age of Authenticity. We will no longer suffer people’s safe bullshit for long. There are no more secrets. In 2011, Facebook was cited as a contributing factor in one out of every three divorce cases.

I celebrate that. It’s evidence that we can’t hide from reality anymore. It’s time we face the raw truth of who we are in these fascinating bodies.

What are we so afraid of?

We’re afraid we won’t be accepted, good enough, worthy enough … of love. If we tell the truth about who we are, we’re afraid people will leave us, reject us, abandon us, destroy us.

The irony is that the opposite often happens. When you live courageously in your truth, real people fall in love with you – the real you.

Sure, some will judge your raw. They won’t understand it or appreciate it. They’ll dismiss and decry it. But it’s like water-drip torture spending any time with people who don’t accept you for who you are. My friend David Langer said, “Isn’t the person you want to be with the one who, no matter what they find out about you, chooses to stay?”

Anyway, people who are genuinely satisfied with their own lives don’t have time to hate towards yours. They’re too busy enjoying their own.

I’m a new writer for Raw Attraction Magazine.

Raw Attraction Magazine is about getting real with who we are. It’s all welcome here. Monogamous or polyamorous. Single or coupled or tripled … or podded. We don’t play safe here. We dive deep into real, with no protection (though we encourage discretionary use of actual protection in the bedroom, on kitchen counters and your boss’ desk, in public bathrooms, in the rain, etc.).

Raw attraction: what is it? What is authentic love? What are we really seeking through intimate relationship? What does it mean to be Masculine? Feminine? Both? Who do we really want to f*ck? And how do we genuinely want to f*ck them – or be f*cked by them?

We all live inside the one human mind. There is no experience you’re having that, at its core, hasn’t been experienced by another human being. You have full permission to be you. Which isn’t an invitation to hurt people or be irresponsible or out of integrity. It’s simply an invitation to love with your full heart, and that starts by loving yourself with your full heart. Not in that sappy new age cliche way of loving yourself, but in that fierce warrior-spirit way of loving yourself because you are finally prepared to show up and love the entire world with your raw, open, authentic heart … because you’re ready to stop playing safe.

It’s time we stop hiding who we truly are. That insanity-armor just prevents the rich life we really want from piercing us straight through. And we want to be pierced by life, straight through to our souls. We didn’t come here to play safe until we die. We came here to throw down and get real with life.

We came here to get Raw.

♦◊♦

Visit Raw Attraction Magazine @ http://www.rawattractionmagazine.com/raw-truth/

Or watch this short video @ https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/a-groundbreaking-digital-magazine-for-men-women

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Posted in Conscious Relationships, Sexuality, Telling The Truth

7 Reasons All Men Should Be Feminists

7 reasons men should be feminists photo bryan reeves

To put up a good fight, it works well to think your adversary is evil. … Then you can hate your enemy and hate can fuel many confrontations. But in our hearts, we naturally love men. Just as men naturally love women.” ~ Alison Armstrong in Keys to the Kingdom

The word “Feminist” has a negative taste for some – especially some men. Throughout its history, some people (men and women) chose to fight for women’s rights by making men evil adversaries because, as Alison Armstrong wrote about this aspect of feminism, every fight needs an adversary, and making your adversary evil can powerfully fuel the fight. But at its core, the essence of feminism is a worthy one. Being a “feminist” doesn’t mean we have to set women on pedestals and toss men under buses. It simply means we can stand for every woman’s right to live fully free of oppression, just as any man has that same right.

It’s that simple. Being a Feminist means I stand for all women’s right to live on the planet with the same rights and freedoms I enjoy as a man. Nothing less. Nothing more.

I believe being a Feminist, in its truest essence, is a label every man should be eager and proud to wear. Here’s 7 specific reasons why:

1) It’s our sisters, mothers, girlfriends, wives, and daughters the world is still mistreating every day

If you personally know a woman – I’m not sure how you would not – then you almost certainly know a woman who is regularly harassed, demeaned, accosted (subtly or otherwise), professionally overlooked and denied, and who has probably been raped, or will be. One in five women in the USA is sexually abused in their lifetime. Countless women are harassed on the streets everyday, in classrooms, while jogging, at the office or the grocery store. While this isn’t as much about equality for women, it is absolutely about how men value women in general. I am passionate about creating a world in which my three sisters, two mothers and someday wife (wherever she is now) can walk through the world knowing the men in their midst value them as far more than warm bodies for their pleasure and control. So call me a Feminist. I’m in.

2) Businesses can thrive with women in leadership roles

A recent report by Credit Suisse Research Institute found that companies with women in senior leadership positions fare better on average – including higher return on equity and higher payout ratios – than companies without even one women at the executive management level. In fact, major corporations with women CEOs also generally perform better than businesses with male CEOs. Yet only 5% of Fortune 1000 companies are run by women. And women are forced out of their CEO positions at a rate higher than men (as opposed to leaving voluntarily). Facebook CEO Sheryl Sandberg wrote, “it should be a badge of honor for men to mentor women.” It would also just be wise for every economy in the world. According to the World Bank, closing the joblessness gap between women and men would increase the GDP of developing countries on average 1.2% in just one year. Imagine if many of those women went on to become business leaders, too.

This doesn’t mean men shouldn’t run businesses, or that women are simply better at it. It just means there’s a lot men can learn from women about how to manage well, and research bears this out. According to a study by KLCM, more people prefer leaders who embody management styles more common in women than men. The report says “female leaders are seen as markedly better at displaying far more of the attributes deemed important for effective leaders.” Simply put, women lead good business and benefit economies. Hiring a woman to run your company might be a brilliant call. So might proudly calling yourself a Feminist.

3) They are the Mothers to your children

Mom is likely the human your children will have the most direct contact with for the first 18 years of their lives. They will learn so much about the world from their mothers. Today, close to 20% of American adults may be clinically depressed, with women twice as likely to be so, many of them mothers. Why isn’t this a recognized national crisis? Research shows babies of stressed-out mothers experience more mood disorders later in life. There are other negative effects of stressed-out moms, too, the least of which is stressed-out kids. Don’t we want our children exposed to women who everyday feel safe, happy, fulfilled in their lives? Absolutely we do! By taking an active stand to ensure women are not just equally valued, but truly honored throughout society, we play a real part in ensuring women are safe to fully live in their joy, and thus help raise our children happier and healthier.

4) A happy lifetime partner is good for you.

As a man, some part of you lives to see your woman radiant and genuinely happy. If she isn’t thrilled about her everyday life, you won’t be, either. Not because she’s responsible for your feelings (she’s not), but because one of the best gifts she could ever give you is her authentic happiness. If she’s happy, it’s easier for you to be happy. If you’ve ever had a relationship with a woman, you know what I’m talking about. Since you’re going to spend more time with this one person than any other on the planet, and for a very long time if you’re lucky, wouldn’t you want her to be fully empowered to live in ways that light her up and make her happy? If you insist on the right of women to live as true equals – not the same, but equal – safe and free to pursue life, liberty and happiness, you’ll be your a woman’s hero forever. Your own woman will even gladly let you call her “your woman” because she’ll be so proud to stand beside a man who claims the world for her and all her sisters, daughters and mothers. Her admiration is the next best gift she could give you after her own happiness. Being her hero really turns her on, too … you sexy Feminist, you.

5) A strong woman can make you a better men

Throughout my life, women have made me a better man. Mom held my early world together with almost impossible strength and conviction. A single mom pulling midnight shifts at a Washington D.C. crisis center, I would sleep under a conference table while she worked to create a stable world in which I could explore, play, learn, eat well and grow stronger day after day for years. After mom, as I journeyed into adulthood, strong women peers started holding my masculine feet in the transformational fires of romantic love. They were forcing me to burn away all the adolescent bullshit stories, confusion and fears I was living in that prevented me from showing up as a Man and loving them fully. No one had ever taught me how to really love a woman. No man taught me how to be a Man, either, or what that even meant. It has mostly been amazing female friends and passionate lovers who enabled the mature masculine Man in me to eventually awaken. Whether through their loving patience and mysterious feminine vision, or through fiery rage when I showed up a boy rather than the man they yearned for, women have always been the wild, fierce winds slowly sculpting me into a much better man.

I’m honored to call myself a Feminist for their service to my evolution as a Man.

6) Women are not the enemy

Many of us were taught since childhood to view girls with suspicion. They’ll distract us, make us sin and seduce us into craziness. They throw weird, are weak and unstable. They’re a burden to be carried and put up with. These are the tall tales told by men still afraid of the immense and mysterious power that is woman. But like yin and yang bound together in one perfect circle, always flowing one into the other in an endless dance of opposites, we are forever joined in divine partnership with our female counterparts. We can resist this primal, sometimes chaotic dance, or embrace it. When we resist, we create the war of the sexes. That war is a lie. There is resistance to the partnership, but no real war. The moment we fully embrace women as our true equal partners in life, we end this made-up war.

7) As women thrive, so shall the planet thrive

Women are half the global population. They’re half the people in your city, your neighborhood. Martin Luther King, Jr, said, “Injustice anywhere is a threat to injustice everywhere.” Women are subject to awful injustices everyday, everywhere. Sure, men are, too, often at the hands of other men. But in calling myself a Feminist, I speak the language of a devoted humanist, committed to creating a world in which all people can thrive. Clearly, a consequence of a better world for women will be a world better for men, too. 

I’m a proud Feminist. Are you?

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Posted in Masculine Feminine, Mature Masculinity, Relationships, Sexuality
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