The Sexiest 3 Words a Man Can Say to a Woman

sexiest 3 words a man can say photo by Sean Mcgrath

“I love you.” (nope)

“You look beautiful.” (nope)

“Let’s go shopping!” (depends how you say it, but still, no)

“How’s your mother?” (no, this will just make her suspicious of you)

Those are all nice to say, and many women want to hear them from their partner; they like to feel cherished. But none of those by themselves will necessarily have her soften all warm-putty-like into your hairy masculine arms.

The three sexiest words I’m referring to speak to primal forces within both men and women. An archetypal trip wire, these eight letters strung together can trigger a man’s spine to straighten and make a woman swoon.

I wish I could say I figured this one out by myself, but a lady friend had to point this out. Once she did, I looked back to my own intimate relationships and saw overwhelming evidence for her case everywhere.

We were having coffee when she started telling me about her new boyfriend. He was refined and kind, loving and intelligent. He was a creative artist, and an accomplished one at that. She felt him a good man and she was happy. Then she told me about the first morning they woke up together, and that’s when she really lit up during our conversation.

She has a dog. Normally the dog gets her up early to go pee outside when she’s still in comatose denial of an outside world. On this particular morning, when the dog woke her up as usual, her new beau opened his eyes, looked at her and with nary a hesitation, issued the most magical three-word spell she could recall ever hearing from a man. She said these words slid from his masculine mouth smooth as a river stone and strong as steel (that’s my interpretation of what she said). She swooned. She relaxed. Under his sudden spell she felt herself completely protected and cherished by this man’s love.

“I got this.”

That’s what he said.

“I’m going to take on this uncomfortable mission-oriented task because that’s how I can best offer my masculine gift right now while honoring your delicious gift of feminine energy to my life. I will demonstrate my deep commitment to your care by ensuring you can stay warm under the covers and linger in this moment of blissful embodied reverie.”

He actually only said the first three words. That whole second paragraph is my rough translation as I believe my friend heard it.

But first he said it. And then he actually did it.

She was so impressed you’d think he bought her the Eiffel Tower. All he did was walk her dog.


We live in an age when women are empowered to care for themselves like never before.


I grew up mostly thinking women were supposed to “I got this” for themselves. My two moms held strong while my two dads struggled to just hold on. It was my two moms whose strength and character were always saying, “I got this,” while my dads were unconsciously saying, “thank God you got this!”

I’ve always had so many messages coming at me that women are my equals in every way. That’s a good thing from a certain perspective. Women are equal to men, in terms of inherent human worth and value. They should have every legal right that any man has.

However, my understanding of sex equality completely overlooked certain ways my more feminine female partners and I were genuinely different. We yearned differently, meaning we experienced the world in rather different ways, even wanting different things from each other. For example, just holding a woman and making love with her is often a different experience for me than it is for my partners.

I don’t embrace a woman to feel safe in her arms. When I embrace her I feel strong in my body, masterful even, as though I’m living my purpose by wrapping her up safe and protected within my steady arms. My female partners, in contrast, have often expressed that’s what they love most about being in my embrace: the experience of feeling safe, physically and emotionally, that they can relax in knowing they’re protected in that one moment from the tiresome chaos of the world. It’s as if we both journeyed from very different worlds to secretly rendezvous in this one moment of exquisite embrace.

Failing too often to account for such differences, I have struggled in most of my intimate relationships with women. Clearly a contributing factor has been my inability to step up in all kinds of situations and say to my partners—often even to myself—“I got this.”


Before I wade too deep into controversial waters, let me clarify that what I’m exploring is less about man-woman and more about masculine-feminine. Any foray into masculine-feminine dynamics risks offending those who hear those terms being used synonymously. I don’t mean to do that. What I’m pointing at holds for all couples—hetero, gay, or otherwise—in which one partner carries more masculine energy and the other carries more feminine. Sometimes those energies can switch back and forth between partners. I invite you to see through to the deeper rhythms I’m exploring, beyond the details of who has what body parts.

I simply want to convey that when I look back through my life, I see far too often that I left my feminine partners to fend for themselves in ways large and small. From making them decide where we should eat to running away when they were stressed emotionally and I hadn’t the capacity to love them through it, I failed too often to step up and say, “I got this.”

Which just means I consistently failed to convey, “Baby, I invite you to relax and trust that all will be well because I have the strength, the discipline, the fortitude and the vision—and at the very least the unwavering perseverance—to hold us through this moment of discomfort and steward us safely to new ground where we will experience a brighter moment of ease together.

Ok, so that’s a bit poetic when we’re talking about walking the dog or deciding where to eat. And sometimes our partners will genuinely want to bear their own burdens, or bear them equally alongside us, or even bear ours for us. I’m painting in broad strokes here.


There’s something deeply compelling about the idea of being with a woman who can fully take care of herself, and who enjoys allowing me take care of her anyway.

I invite you to say to yourself a few times: “I got this.

How does that feel in your body?

Do you feel your chest rise a bit, your breathing deepen, your backbone straighten? Do you come alive and start looking around the room for some challenge to take on?
Or do you prefer imagining someone say it to you? Does the thought of your partner whispering it to you all sexy-like make your body soften and your heartbeat quicken? Does it set your yearning alight?

Truth is, I’ve always wanted a woman who can take care of herself. Which seems healthy to me, actually. Any mature adult should be able to take care of themselves in the modern world. I don’t want a partner who expects me to run around all day telling her “I got this” so she can stay in bed all day. That would just be exhausting for me and eventually frustrating for her. I’m not Superman. She’s not helpless.

Still, there’s something deeply compelling about the idea of being with a woman who can fully take care of herself, and who enjoys allowing me to take care of her anyway.

“I got this.”


photo: pavlo kolotenko

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— This article was recently featured on Good Men Project

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Posted in Conscious Relationships, Love, Mature Masculinity, Relationships, Take Action

Understanding Men, Cherishing Women

I’ve got a really exciting announcement to make. I’m almost nauseous about it. (be sure to SUBSCRIBE to stay up with me on this; it’s gonna play out fast) But first … I’ve made so many mistakes with women. It’s embarrassing. Screenshot 2014-10-24 22.13.00 I’m your average great guy, with three sisters, two amazing mothers and great relationships with them all. I’m great friends with women, but I ain’t no “friend-zone” kinda guy, either. I’ve had my share of great romance. However, when I look back at intimate loves past, I see my backyard field of dreams filled with mounds of wreckage where too many beautiful possibilities have crash-landed.

What have I been completely overlooking all these years to co-create so much confusion, misunderstanding, frustration and agonizing heartbreak with women?

Burning Questions This is the exact question I have been exploring for 4 years, since my last chaotic relationship with a fascinating woman who decided early on she couldn’t really trust me. It wasn’t because I cheated on her. I didn’t. I never even wanted to. She was the love of my life up ‘till then. But I didn’t know how to show up for her as a Man. I wasn’t ready to fight my own demons to win her feminine heart. I was an adolescent boy in a 35-year old man’s body. So I ran from her, even when I stayed in the room. She felt my ongoing abandonment, and that’s why she didn’t trust me. Unfortunately, her way of dealing with this was to rage. And man, did she rage. I believe I was also a stand-in for every other disoriented man who had ever let her down, abandoned her, hurt her, misused, mistreated or dismissed her.

We treated each other as adversaries. Like countless couples, we ached to love – and be loved by – each other. But we too often made each other an enemy with the power to make us happy or despair.

Android Jones - "Love is a riot"

Android Jones – “Love is a riot”

I tried everything to make that relationship work. I took us to therapy and Landmark Education; I studied Byron Katie and read relationship books and anything I could think of. I worked on myself and begged her to do the same. I even went to Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous meetings, believing I was addicted to her crazy love over which I had no power. The relationship ended one Friday evening when I refused to participate in what I knew would be an angry phone call. We were done. That was that. I was utterly heartbroken and devoid of hope. Heartache-CaFleureBon I had tried everything. I needed SLAA meetings to escape. How could I ever possibly experience the conscious, passionate relationship my whole being has been dying for? Consider this: With a Masters Degree in Human Behavior (University of Oklahoma), I have been a passionate student of human potential and practical psychology since I was 10. I’d read all the iconic self-help and spirituality books and been to all the workshops. I was even headed to American University to study International Peace and Conflict Resolution to help bring peace to the Middle East, until a sexy French woman yanked me off that path and proceeded to kick my man-boy ass. I am an intelligent, heart-felt man. I am profoundly educated about human behavior. But no one ever taught me how to be a healthy mature Man in an intimate relationship. My fathers didn’t teach me. My moms didn’t teach me. Self-help books never taught me. Nor did hero athletes, movies, politicians or my uncles.

Culture taught me that marriage is hard and that wedding rings make a woman hate sex and make a man give up blow-jobs for the rest of his life while doing work he doesn’t love to provide stability for his kids and the woman who won’t be doing the blow-jobs.

This can’t be … and not just because of the blow jobs. Married_With_Children_What_I_Did_for_Love Intimate relationships must have something to offer other than pain, resentment or boredom. I was desperate to unlock the secrets to creating thriving, passionate, conscious relationships. Well … I’ve found them. Insight for men AND women … and whatever your sexual orientation.

Actually, it’s more like I’ve slipped past the dragon and found my way into a massive cave full of shiny, shimmering treasure boxes filled with golden keys that unlock the secrets of magnificent intimate relationships.

I know that’s a big statement. It’s not like I’ve discovered something no one has ever seen before. But for the last 4 years I’ve been devouring the wisdom of teachers like Robert Bly, Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Alison Armstrong, David Deida, Robert Moore, Douglas Gillette, Tony Robbins and others – at their workshops, in their books and online courses, and in countless personal conversations. I’ve recently coached over 100 people, exploring men and women’s deepest fears and desires around attraction, sexuality and intimate relationships. All this brilliant insight, contrasted with my ignorance over the years, as well as what I’m exploring with all my friends, coaching clients and anyone who will talk about this stuff with me … well, I’m super excited to unlock all these treasures with you. love locks I’ve shared many powerful insights through my blogs. There’s so much more. In the past 8 weeks alone I’ve done 10 podcast interviews because people want more of this insight. I even attracted the attention of Sunrise Australia, the #1 Talk Show in Australia because of a blog I wrote on the One Thing Women Are Afraid of in Men. I’m clearly tapping into deep wisdom that’s making a difference in people’s lives. I can’t wait to share more and more. Thus … my exciting announcement:

Understanding Men / Cherishing Women

A New Online Program

Screenshot 2014-10-24 23.03.24 I’m creating an online program to share with you all the best stuff I’ve got on how men and women can come together in true partnership and create awesome relationships together. (or men and men … or women and women … what I’m going to share is bigger than gender)

We must stop acting as adversaries and start remembering we’re on the same team.

We truly love each other. We’re simply ignorant about fundamental forces and dynamics which can create persistent conflict.

I’m going to help you dispel critical misunderstandings that can cause stress in your relationships – even your relationship to yourself. In the end, we all simply want to be our authentic selves everyday AND create inspiring, passionate intimate relationships. I’m going to help you do that.


I want you to have this powerful content before the holidays so you’re even more empowered to have an amazing holiday season. Whether you’re in a relationship or single, what I’m going to share is so powerful it will help you better understand your lover(s), spouses, friends, even your parents and children … but especially yourself. I’ll tell you more in the coming days. It’s not quite ready.

HOWEVER … I NEED YOUR HELP to make this program really strong. Before I finalize it, will you take this simple 60-second survey?

It’s Anonymous. Two Questions. 60-seconds. Please take the survey now @ surveymonkey copy THANKS! I’ll be back soon with more. This is so exciting!

p.s. I really am a bit nauseous about stepping out this way. But I know this: If there is something you MUST do but you’re NOT doing because you’re scared to fail … that “scared-shitless” you feel when you’re getting ready to do that thing (or actually doing it) is WAY MUCH BETTER than the “depressed and despairing” you feel when you don’t. So get on with it already!

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Posted in Conscious Relationships, Love, Masculine Feminine, Mature Masculinity, Relationships, Self-Discovery, Sexuality, Take Action

The World Doesn’t Need Your Playing Safe

Screenshot 2014-10-23 13.42.22

The world doesn’t need your playing safe.

The love you deeply yearn for doesn’t want your playing safe. Not the one you really want. The love you ache for wants you Raw. Unbridled. Unfiltered. Real. The authentic partner you may feel like you’re literally dying for – even the one you may already be with – can’t love your bullshit.

We have entered the Age of Authenticity. We will no longer suffer people’s safe bullshit for long. There are no more secrets. In 2011, Facebook was cited as a contributing factor in one out of every three divorce cases.

I celebrate that. It’s evidence that we can’t hide from reality anymore. It’s time we face the raw truth of who we are in these fascinating bodies.

What are we so afraid of?

We’re afraid we won’t be accepted, good enough, worthy enough … of love. If we tell the truth about who we are, we’re afraid people will leave us, reject us, abandon us, destroy us.

The irony is that the opposite often happens. When you live courageously in your truth, real people fall in love with you – the real you.

Sure, some will judge your raw. They won’t understand it or appreciate it. They’ll dismiss and decry it. But it’s like water-drip torture spending any time with people who don’t accept you for who you are. My friend David Langer said, “Isn’t the person you want to be with the one who, no matter what they find out about you, chooses to stay?”

Anyway, people who are genuinely satisfied with their own lives don’t have time to hate towards yours. They’re too busy enjoying their own.

I’m a new writer for Raw Attraction Magazine.

Raw Attraction Magazine is about getting real with who we are. It’s all welcome here. Monogamous or polyamorous. Single or coupled or tripled … or podded. We don’t play safe here. We dive deep into real, with no protection (though we encourage discretionary use of actual protection in the bedroom, on kitchen counters and your boss’ desk, in public bathrooms, in the rain, etc.).

Raw attraction: what is it? What is authentic love? What are we really seeking through intimate relationship? What does it mean to be Masculine? Feminine? Both? Who do we really want to f*ck? And how do we genuinely want to f*ck them – or be f*cked by them?

We all live inside the one human mind. There is no experience you’re having that, at its core, hasn’t been experienced by another human being. You have full permission to be you. Which isn’t an invitation to hurt people or be irresponsible or out of integrity. It’s simply an invitation to love with your full heart, and that starts by loving yourself with your full heart. Not in that sappy new age cliche way of loving yourself, but in that fierce warrior-spirit way of loving yourself because you are finally prepared to show up and love the entire world with your raw, open, authentic heart … because you’re ready to stop playing safe.

It’s time we stop hiding who we truly are. That insanity-armor just prevents the rich life we really want from piercing us straight through. And we want to be pierced by life, straight through to our souls. We didn’t come here to play safe until we die. We came here to throw down and get real with life.

We came here to get Raw.


Visit Raw Attraction Magazine @

Or watch this short video @

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Posted in Conscious Relationships, Sexuality, Telling The Truth
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