Beating Jealousy: Two Simple Truths

jealousy

Jealousy.

That scourge of intimacy that, at its worst, can rob even the most sane person of his or her mental stability as it drags them disoriented and damned into a fiery living nightmare where they’re likely to be tortured by their own fantastical fictions.

When jealousy settles into a relationship the consequences can be severe, even fatal.

It happened to me a few years back.

Jealousy ate me and a past love alive from the inside out like Ebola. Relentless and ferocious, it took five years to eviscerate our relationship of every beautiful possibility it began with. When it finally finished us off, jealousy had left us with little but rage, resentment and regret that took years to heal.

Jealousy essentially boils down to this:

“I’m horrified you’re not going to choose me.”

It gets really bad when that horror grabs our innards and makes us act in awful ways that drive the person of our yearning even farther away – if not physically, then emotionally and psychologically.

After all, who in their right mind happily chooses to be with a crazy person?

That’s what jealousy can do: make us act insane.

My ex-girlfriend once wrecked her car while driving all fast and furious to disrupt a lunch I told her I was having with a woman she didn’t want me lunching with. I knew this woman was no threat to our relationship; I wasn’t nearly as attracted to her as I was to my girlfriend. But my girlfriend was caught up in the fear-fueled fantasy that I was choosing this other woman instead of her.

You can’t make someone choose you. Why would you want to, anyway?

Actually, here’s why:

When we believe that another person’s love, affection, attention or validation is the source of our sense of self-worth or identity, we’ll do almost anything to make them stay. We’ll use fear, guilt, coercion, even shame and force to keep them around.

Ironically, the consequences of such adversarial actions usually keep away the very things we ache for: connection, trust, appreciation, fulfillment, joy, love.

Have you ever really felt appreciative and loving towards someone who used fear or force to make you do what they wanted?

I haven’t. I might have done the thing they wanted, but I secretly resented them for it. Or I resented myself for choosing to live out their desires at the precious cost of my own.


There are two powerful truths that can help us beat jealousy and create thriving intimate relationships:

(1) Your partner will either choose you everyday or she (he) won’t.

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There’s nothing wrong with not choosing the partner you’re with today. It happens all the time and doesn’t even have to mean the end of the relationship. It shows up in lots of ways: prioritizing work or kids over partner, emotionally checking out, cheating, breaking up.

Regardless what it looks like, relationships begin to break down when one or both partners stop consistently choosing the other.

In my jealousy-infected relationship, I loved my girlfriend, but in my immaturity and ignorance I too often chose friends, work and other priorities over her, like lunch with another woman I was not even romantically interested in. She then punished me by abusing me verbally and withholding love in countless ways. This only reinforced my ignorance-fueled drive to choose others more, which only fueled her anger more. That nasty cycle drove us deep into that years-long living nightmare I described above.

A thriving, sustainable intimate relationship is one in which two people consciously and consistently choose each other over other possibilities, day after day – and in which they both work to communicate that ongoing choice to each other in tangible ways everyday.

I believe we all yearn not merely to be with someone, but to be with someone that we enthusiastically choose everyday, and who enthusiastically chooses us everyday, too.

Why would we want to experience anything less than that?

(2) Your partner is not the source of your self-worth or self-respect.

strongwoman

It used to be devastating when a woman I wanted didn’t choose me. It would trigger old and excruciating wounds of unworthiness and disconnection. A woman’s rejection just confirmed what I feared most about myself: I’m not good enough or worthy of love.

I’ve discovered that’s an awful lie I’ve been living inside for a long time – that so many of us live inside.

As a progeny of Life itself, I am an absolute miracle in this very moment, no matter what I look like, how much money I have, whether my grammar is perfect or my socks match.

Whether a woman chooses me or not, the fact that I am Earth itself, come alive, walking around with a brain and a heart and the ability to string words into sentences, makes me entirely worthy of love and admiration. You too, are a wondrous miracle of Earth come alive, the end product in this moment after billions of years of stars exploding and reforming, primordial stuff being ripped apart and then fused back together in infinite experimental forms since the beginning of time.

We completely forget how miraculous every one of us humans is to simply be alive.

If you think about it, it’s just unnecessary to make other two-legged earth-bodies the arbiters of our self-worth when they’re just as ignorant as we are about what the heck we’re actually doing here, wandering as we are about this lonely space planet.

Now that I really get that my partner isn’t the source of my self-worth, I can let her choose whatever she wants for herself. She’s free to be her and I’m free to be me.

She_loves_me

In fact, beating jealousy really comes down to making peace with this simple truth:

She is either going to choose me or she isn’t.

Whether she chooses me or not, that says nothing about who I actually am.

If I try to make her choose what isn’t deeply true for her, she’ll just resent me for it.

Curiously, though, I’ve found this opens up an exciting possibility.

When we allow our partners the sincere freedom to choose as they desire – even to the extent that we make peace with the possibility that they may actually not choose us – we often become even more attractive to them.

For the one thing most people so deeply want in an intimate relationship is to be with a partner who not just accepts them for who they truly are, but who enthusiastically chooses them for it.

If your partner doesn’t enthusiastically choose you, let them go.

Besides, you want a partner, not a prisoner.

“When someone leaves me, I know I’ve been spared.” ~ Byron Katie

If your partner chooses another, allowing them the freedom to do so and letting them go if that’s not ok with you simply means you’re sparing yourself from someone who isn’t choosing you. Maybe they just don’t know how. I didn’t know how to really choose a woman until I recently hit 40 and finally saw the innocence in my ignorance.

I know it isn’t easy, and it might sting … a lot sometimes.

But in letting someone go who isn’t enthusiastically choosing you, you make room for someone who will.

That’s so worth waiting for.

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Overcoming Your Biggest Relationship Challenges

Screenshot 2014-12-08 12.58.15

princess bride

Recently, I asked you directly about your biggest challenges in intimate relationships. Hundreds of you brilliant souls responded.

Today, in gratitude for your generosity, I want to offer you 3 things:

1 –  The Top Results of that Survey
2 –  Powerful insights that can help you around your top intimacy challenges.
3 –  An exclusive OPPORTUNITY for my blog readers who are truly ready for some massive shifts in 2015 (YOU, personally).

1) The Top Survey Results (“Understanding Men, Cherishing Women”)

A) For people in intimate relationships, what are your main challenges? 

Your Top 4:
1. My partner is often checked out emotionally. (49%)
2. We don’t communicate well. (46%)
3. I struggle to be authentic because I’m scared to upset my partner. (46%)
4. My partner doesn’t want to grow (43%)

B) For singles, what are your main challenges in relationships? 

Your Top 4:
1. I can’t find the right one (52%)
2. I’ve been disappointed, let down too much to be in relationship again (44%)
3. There’s too few good men/women out there (37%)
4. I don’t know how to be myself around them (37%)

2) Insights Into Your Top Challenges

Watch this video. It’s 12-minutes of juicy insight into your top challenges. This video just might completely shift your relationship experience. I don’t address everything, as that would be much more than just one video (coming soon)!

3) My Exclusive Offer to You (but only if you’re really, really ready to have my support to create change in your life). 

Ready for some truth? Ideas are great. Inspiration is powerful. But until you are truly committed and have accountability and support, change is really hard. And I want you to have what you want. More than you know…

I’ve been building towards what’s about to happen for almost 15 years. 2015 is going to be a massive year for me.

My blog readership is exploding with millions of people around the world reading my work everyday. I’m beginning to book speaking gigs and plan workshop retreats with brilliant collaborators in places like Bali and Costa Rica. I’m creating exciting online programs to share every life-changing insight I’ve suffered for. And I’ve just teamed up with world-class business partners to help me do it all.

I want this for you, too. 

Soon, I won’t be able to offer private coaching like I do now, as I am working to create programs and offerings that can serve many, many people.

So, before that happens, I want to offer you the opportunity to create your own massive 2015 by experiencing powerful, transformational private coaching with me, one-on-one. 

Now listen, this is not for you if you want to dabble in change.

This is for you if you are committed to and serious about having more of what you want in 2015. This is for you if you are willing to go deep, get real and take full responsibility for your life.

This opportunity is not inexpensive, in more ways than just the money, but the investment (of more than just money) will pay dividends for years to come.

I am only accepting 3 or 4 people as private clients. 

Since thousands of people will also be reading this email, I have created an application so you can share a bit more about yourself with me. 

You can access it here: http://www.bryanreeves.com/#!apply/c1ana

*THIS APPLICATION ROUND CLOSES ON MONDAY, DEC 15. … in 6 days.

If you’re yearning for an exquisite intimate relationship experience and to move powerfully through other areas of your life in 2015, we can prepare the foundation by diving deep into:

* Your Biggest Relationship Challenges
* Your Biggest Dream(s)
* Your Life Vision
* The Invisible Dynamics that May Be Resisting Your Deepest Desires
* Enhancing Your Experience of Sexual Polarity, Romance and Love
* Restoring Connection to Your True Masculine/Feminine Core
* Understanding What Your Partner Really Wants From You
* Career Strategies
* Enhancing Your Creativity
* Starting / Completing Passion Projects

If you want to kick off 2015 with a massive shift in your life, let’s do this. 

Here is the link to the application: http://www.bryanreeves.com/#!apply/c1ana

Again, I am only accepting 3 or 4 private clients to begin working with me immediately.

Please only apply if you are truly ready for this level of support so as not to take the opportunity from another who truly is …

In deep gratitude,

Bryan

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The Sexiest 3 Words a Woman Can Say to a Man

sexiest words a woman can say photo by pedro ribiero simoes

I know what you’re thinking.

But no.

Let’s have sex” … These are actually NOT the three sexiest words a woman can say to a man. They might be the most instantly sex-inducing words she can say, but they’re not the sexiest. Sexy is about way more than sex.

Also, if you read my recent article, The Sexiest 3 Words a Man Can Say to a Woman, you might infer that these are the three sexiest words a woman can say to a man: “You get this.”

But no.

Men don’t typically find it sexy to be ordered around by an intimate partner. Most women don’t find a man who will follow their orders very sexy, either. After all, there’s nothing sexy about a doormat, or walking on one. (dominatrixing is outside the scope of this exploration)

The three words I’m talking about – whether she whispers them in his ear or writes them in sharpie on a pizza box top and subtly pushes them into his view – can quickly flood his spinal cord with backbone fluid, snap his shoulders square and unfurl his superman cape. They’re so potent that a man freshly armed with these words may suddenly find himself inspired to leap tall buildings in a single bound and rescue kittens from trees. They definitely inspire him to show up for her, whatever that looks like in the moment.

These three words make him feel deeply sexy.

These three words make everyone feel sexy.

For when he truly receives them, they trigger his primal masculinity, strengthening him with resolve, deepening his commitment to purpose. For her to authentically offer them, she must allow herself to relax and surrender ambition to control how this moment flows, which is enlivening to her sensual feminine essence.

With these three words, she is essentially saying, “I know you’ve got this.

The three sexiest words a woman can say to a man are:

“I trust you.”

Trust

“I don’t trust you.”

My last serious relationship had core problems around trust. For five years, I ached for her trust in me, but she would never fully offer it. She never admitted this, but she was still angry over her ex-husband’s sexual betrayal, and I was paying the price. In fairness, though, I wasn’t yet a man fully worthy of her trust. Early in our relationship, before we had even agreed on being monogamous, she caught me in a lie which antagonized her betrayal wound. My lie set fire to her toxic waste pond.

Disregarding what would soon become a raging hellfire, we moved in together.

Since we’re talking sexy here, I’ll share that we had exquisite sex. Lots of it. Delicious physical pleasure. Truly. Lots.

But without trust, neither one of us allowed ourselves to be truly vulnerable witheach other. Neither of us felt safe to surrender to the blissful exchange of love energy that flows between two people in a healthy intimacy, which requires vulnerability.

She gave me her body during sex, but often withheld her true heart. She didn’t feel emotionally safe with me, so she rarely offered the immense love inside her that ached for expression in our relationship.

We looked sexy together on the outside, and we had physical pleasure, but we felt awful in our depths.

“True sexy” arises from a person’s depths.

True sexy is about being deeply empowered in your entire being; it’s about moving through the world connected and aligned to your deepest truth. Stepping fully into the brilliance of you who are, mind, body, heart and soul, in this very moment. As a very sexy friend of mine wrote recently on my Facebook wall, “I feel sexiest when I am living who I really am.

In my relationship, we did not feel safe to give the gift of our true selves to each other. She was persistently afraid I would abandon her, so she held back the gift of her trust and her full love. I was persistently frustrated by her attempts to control me, so I resisted completely cherishing her and showing up for her in countless ways.

Resentment seethed during the 23 hours a day when we weren’t having sex. We were often either dodging blame or flinging it at each other like monkey feces.

It was not a sexy experience.

Broken-Trust

When a woman trusts a man, she’s trusting in the gift of his masculinity to protect and provide strength and effective direction in this moment. She is letting go of worry, allowing herself to open and soften any walls around her sensual, feeling heart. She melts into vulnerability and offers the expression of her true self in this moment.

To be told, “I trust you,” by a woman is to be told:

I trust that you will hold me and everything I care about as infinitely precious; that you will act to protect and cherish my life, my heart, as well as the lives and hearts of those I care about: my children, my mothers and my sisters, too, for our hearts are all one. I also trust that you will be a place of steadfast strength I can anchor to when I might otherwise be overcome by the turbulent winds of this ever-changing moment. I offer my real self to you, relaxed and vulnerable, confident that your best self will keep me safe as I do.

Or something like that.

A woman’s willingness to be her true, unguarded self is an essential aspect of her feminine gift, for her femininity shines through when she relaxes into herself. Whether the warm glow emanating from her lit-up eyes, the sensual swing in her confident step or the raw unbridled truth in her authentic sharing, her femininity is wildly attractive to many men. It even compels men to step deeper into their own innate masculinity.

In other words, these three words can inspire a man to claim his birthright as a responsible, loving, ethical being who champions all life and passionately serves the greater good.

They inspire him to not let her down. And every man wants to make his woman proud of him.

Imagine a world in which all men are genuinely worthy of any woman’s trust.

Damn, that would be one sexy planet!

“I trust you.”

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