Breathing Into “Untimely” Sexual Energy

Sexual energy rises and falls in the body like the tides.

I’m a single, 39th-year man, living in Santa Monica, California, surrounded by brilliant AND gorgeous women. Yet I have no intimate female partner with whom I can express the natural sexual energies coursing through my body every single damn day. Do you have any idea how often the intoxicating magnetism of a feminine woman’s physical presence attempts to seduce me?

An attractive, feminine woman is like a brilliant full moon shining resplendent over the ocean of my masculine sexuality. I’m literally pulled towards her like gravity.

moon ocean

Here’s basically what happens:

In the presence of an attractive woman relaxed in her feminine being, I may initially feel a delicious, thick energy alight deep inside me – depending on the woman and the moment, it may simply start in my groin. If the chemistry quickens, that energy spark will rapidly expand outward to fill my entire body with heat, pressing impatiently against my skin like a storm-raging river threatening to overwhelm its banks. In this state, the urge to release this expanding energy through any kind of physical contact is immense, even if that means taking care of it myself. If I stay with this energy in the presence of the woman, my focus instinctively narrows until I’m a hungry tiger creeping through tall grass towards a lone, unsuspecting wildebeest taking sun on the Savannah. I don’t just want to devour her … I need to.

This is where the intellectual battle begins.

My awareness of the larger social context crashes into my primal desire to ravish and penetrate her (not just physically, but emotionally, psychologically, spiritually). There is absolutely nothing like holistically ravishing a woman when the stars are aligned in support of that adventure. However, in most cases, I’m clear that a sexual interaction with the woman before me is NOT the best choice for either of us.

Does this happen to you, too?

The essential question is WTF do I do with all that delicious sexual energy when I know I shouldn’t externally express it  … and I sure don’t want to internally castrate it?

The only reason a man or woman can’t be authentic friends with the sex of their attraction is because they haven’t yet learned how to JUST BE with their sexual energy and not feel compelled to do something (anything!) about it.


No one ever taught me how to simply be with my sexual energy. Did anyone teach you?

Culture has conditioned me to believe I must either sex, masturbate, shame or numb it away. I learned early that a real man gets his prey (i.e. has lots of sex, no matter how he does so), while a lesser man loses out and masturbates the tension away. The shameful man stunts that sexual energy by berating himself for feeling anything in the first place. And the man who numbs it away with rationalization, work, alcohol, TV, etc. … well, umm … I’m sorry, remind me what is this man living for again?

I’ve been all four at one time or another.

These days, I am fortunate to have many amazing female friends. If I were to routinely indulge the strong sexual energy coursing through me, I would surely create much chaos in my personal relationships … just before losing them. I don’t want that. Nor do I want to numb or shame my sexuality away or masturbate myself to sleep every night.

Fortunately, I’m discovering another way.

BREATHE INTO IT ~ The Wisdom Within The Fire

On my recent “30-day Woman Fast” I started learning to sit in the experience of my fiery sexual energy without having to do anything about it.

In my mindfulness project for military veterans, Operation Mindful Warrior (did you know I’m a vet?), our foundational mindfulness practice is to ask yourself, “What am I experiencing right now?” … to then notice all the thoughts and physical body sensations happening in this moment and to simply breathe into all that. We take 3 deep breaths, consciously allowing any internal bedlam to settle like flakes falling faintly to the bottom of a snow globe.

By just consciously breathing into that intoxicating sexual gravity, I can relax my quickening thoughts for a moment to discern whether all the stars are aligned for a soul-satisfying sensual experience … or whether the Tiger just wants to be fed.

In other words, mindful breathing helps me wade through the wild energies stirring within to find the clarity of what Life (as opposed to my lizard brain) is really calling for in this moment. Naturally, there are times when outward expression is clearly what Life wants right now. But if I’m not consciously breathing, all I see is the passionate heat expanding inside my skin that wants to explode into her, consequences be damned! The result is typically either inappropriate external expression or deadening internal castration.

Three deep breaths helps me discern the true wisdom within the fire.

Conscious breathing also helps me circulate that sexual energy through my whole body so that it doesn’t get stuck or hastily evacuated.

The payoff is that I can be fully present with an attractive woman and deeply nurture the trust, respect and intimacy required of a beautiful friendship. And I love beautiful friendships. Should that warm sexual energy ever surge through me, I can simply allow myself to relish it fully, without compulsion, without shame.

Well, unless I notice the stars winking in our direction. In which case I’ll take one exquisite, deep breath … and swim spirited towards the moon.

How do you move with your delicious if “untimely” sexual energy?

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A former US Air Force Captain, Bryan Reeves has survived multiple dark nights of the soul and done really stupid things with women that he deeply regrets and has learned a great deal from. Bryan is now a Life Coach & Relationship Coach for men, women, and couples, and is the author of the viral blog, "Choose Her Every Day (or Leave Her)," at

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Posted in Love, Relationships, Self-awareness, Sexuality, Telling The Truth
5 comments on “Breathing Into “Untimely” Sexual Energy
  1. Mary MacCurdy says:

    Another winner!

  2. ELisha Vee says:

    I really like your article and your refreshing experience of learning to be more conscious and in the moment. I appreciate that you have shared that. I have had to condense my response several times because I was writing a book here. But here are the meaty parts – From my perspective, of course:

    Women also go on the hunt. There is just something about a handsome, well-groomed, nicely dressed, good-smelling man that is like kryptonite to us. And when his posture exudes confidence and his movements are calculated…. He is poetry in motion!

    Of course we also notice things like how sincere his eyes look. How handsome a smile he has. How sexy he sounds when he speaks….

    While we love a bit of “eye candy”, what really turns a woman on is to watch a man in action; to observe him in his ‘natural habitat’, doing what he does best. Whether a corporate environment, a construction worker, a soldier, an emergency services professional, an artist, a father – whatever…. When a man is in his element taking charge and doing what he does, a woman’s mind can wander: “Ooh I wonder if he can handle me like he’s handling that….”

    Sometimes the Tigress goes on the prowl; sometimes she lures the Tiger in to pounce on her – playfully, of course. Quiet as kept, many women still enjoy being seduced.

    But I too, have come to understand something rather enlightening: Sexual Energy is Creative Energy. It is a Soul energy, and we find that we relate to it not only physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. The Soul’s greatest joy is in creative expression, and we are at our happiest when we are free to express ourselves however we see fit. The problem is that we have been conditioned to identify this urge primarily as sexual energy, as this is a very, VERY common way of expressing it. But once the electric responses have taken place in the brain and the appropriate chemical reactions have taken place within the body, pure, passionate inspiration remains. The question is, how do we channel that inspiration? The possibilities are endless!

  3. […] the short blog “Breathing Into (Untimely) Sexual Energy” for a simple practice to begin working with this […]

  4. Reblogged this on LilPhilosopher and commented:
    Hmm found this interesting article about Male Sexual energy. As a male it seems as though I’m constantly bombarded with sexual images, and that gets complicated, I’m a visual creature. The inner animal in me is like a wild tiger, and I struggle to find healthy ways to express myself. This seems like a great place to start, I hope it helps bring ballance and clarity to other people’s lives

  5. […] the short blog “Breathing Into (Untimely) Sexual Energy” for a simple practice to begin working with this […]

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