A Man’s Evolution in Intimacy with Women

I used to just want a woman’s sexy body.

Later I wanted her intelligent mind, too.

Now, as the mature masculine man in me awakens, there’s something far more precious than her body or even her mind that I covet: her devotional heart.

I’ll explain.

Here’s my evolution in intimacy with women:

As a teenager, sex dominated my mind and a warm smooth body could easily satisfy. Didn’t matter what thoughts she thought or how deep her connection to heart. The depth of my curiosity literally stopped at skin-deep. All I cared about was what does her skin feel like against mine? What does she smell like? Taste like? Will she press herself passionately up against me? Will she moan? Will she scratch me, bite me, tease me? Will she stick her wet tongue in my ear? And where in the world of her body is that magic little hidden spot I’ve heard so much about that’s supposed to make her heavens shake?

What will happen when our bodies meet?

These were the sensual if shallow depths of my interest in the feminine form as a young man.

This first stage was purely focused on the physical body.

This first stage of body-focus persisted throughout my 20s into my 30s. Many people in our culture live primarily in this first stage throughout their lives. Many masculine men remain stuck on female body infatuation long after their own bodies can even do anything about it. For some feminine women, however, their first-stage focus may be less about a man’s physical body and more about his “body” of material resources. Lest you think this sexist, you may consider that a man experiencing this first-stage of intimate relating won’t really care about a woman’s access to resources, and a first-stage woman can be easily influenced by a man’s.

black-and-white-sexy-b-w-free-Sexy-Pictures-Nuno-sensuous-sandee-blackwhite-sensual-sexy-girls-Sexy-Body-stomach

For my part, I remember struggling in this first stage with my attraction to an early girlfriend when her body began to change from sexy lithe teenager to a more curvaceous young woman. She was an amazing young lady, but as her body changed I lost interest in her – a first-stage reaction.

As my 30s wore on, what a woman thought about started to become far more interesting to me. Who she was in conversation began to matter more. Shallow-minded sexy chics (at least as my arrogance perceived them to be shallow-minded) became less attractive. I started longing for thought-provoking sexy chics, the ones who could parry with me in conversation and perhaps teach me things about the world I didn’t already know. I was still primarily body-focused, but I began to more fully appreciate a woman who could meet me intellectually. I wanted to make love to a woman’s mind almost as much as her body.

This second stage was mind-body focused.

If you’re reading this blog, you probably live mostly in this stage. You may still experience body-focus temptations, but your attraction to mind complements if not overrides most physical attractions. It could be also that women (feminine) experience this differently than men (masculine). Masculine men tend to relate (connect) to the world more through the mind-intellect filter, whereas feminine women relate (connect) more through feeling experiences. I’d love to hear from you about this.

Young woman reading in the autumn forest

Many people can fake this second-stage experience, at least for a time. After all, “you’re shallow” is no compliment in our world. But when a first-stage person who is pretending (even if unconsciously so) to be a second-stage person has a partner who loses physical allure or access to material resources, the eyes and libido of that first-stage consciousness will start wandering.

Interestingly, I found over and over in this second-stage era that there was no woman who’s mind I could ever fully embrace. I would inevitably encounter something in her thought-world that I would object to: she’s not ambitious enough, worldly enough, kind enough, philosophical enough, smart enough … whatever. She was never enough. These objections would invariably diminish my capacity for true intimacy with her.

For how could I fully be with her when I was resisting how she was being?

Despite that enduring obstacle, my second-stage orientation held that loving a woman complete meant loving her “mind and body.” I was sure this orientation would yield the magic formula for fairy-tale love.

Alas, there was another stage yet to come – a third stage. I’m only now waking up to this third stage, and I’m profoundly hungry for it.

This third stage is body-mind-spirit focused. 

It’s about Devotion.

While it certainly encompasses attraction to body and mind, it also transcends them.

devotion heart

I’m not going to pretend to know the experience just yet, for I can’t say I’ve ever been truly devoted to a woman.

Yet.

I am noticing that as a more mature masculine essence begins to stir in me, an attractive body and mind alone no longer suffice. I want more than just to intertwine myself with her physical and mental worlds; I want to penetrate the depths of her soul. I want not just a warm body and intellectual play … I want her deep devotional heart.

I also want to give her mine.

I’m still learning what this means.

What I do know is that I have finally evolved to a moment in life where my deepest yearning is for the experience of such complete Devotion to the Feminine that my Love both embraces her body and mind but also transcends them.

However, I currently have no feminine partner to engage on this adventure. And there are certainly days when I taste the pungent angst of this yearning as yet unrequited. Sometimes it feels like reaching desperate for a breath underwater.

But let’s see where Life wants to take this.

I’m ready for stage three … so the mature masculine Man in me says.

Thrilling times.

“Love is freedom, but not total. If love becomes devotion, then it becomes total freedom. It means surrendering yourself completely.” ~ Osho

alex grey devotion

* props to David Deida for his writing and talks on the stages of intimacy, which I’ve adapted with my own interpretation.
** this blog also partly inspired by an unforgettable conversation about Devotion I had with Mikki Willis, founder of Elevate Films

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A former US Air Force Captain, Bryan Reeves has survived multiple dark nights of the soul and done really stupid things with women that he deeply regrets and has learned a great deal from. Bryan is now a Life Coach & Relationship Coach for men, women, and couples, and is the author of the viral blog, "Choose Her Every Day (or Leave Her)," at www.bryanreeves.com.

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Posted in Conscious Relationships, Love, Masculine Feminine, Relationships, Self-awareness, Self-Discovery, Sexuality, The Journey
14 comments on “A Man’s Evolution in Intimacy with Women
  1. Dani says:

    it exists, it is profoundly real and it’s resonance stays with you forever, regardless of your time together. its energy encompassing integrity, love and complete submission to the moment, keeping you in the moment.

  2. At the risk of being Devil’s Advocate I still believe even the most enlightened man is primal and primarily driven by his Testosterone. Like the question in the movie “The Truth About Cats and Dogs” I will bet money that 90% of straight men or more would answer this question in favor of the bunny: “Whom would you rather spend a week alone on a deserted island with – Time Magazine’s Woman of the Year or Playboy Magazine’s Playmate of the Year.”

  3. ericakleine says:

    Bryan, not to be too OTT, but I am presently embarking on a magical, surprising, delightful, ecstasy-inducing, mind-blowing, soul-satisfying relationship with just such an amazing man. If you are such a man, I can only say, your time is coming and it will have been so very worth the wait and any previous challenges and disappointments. And this blessing has come about, I believe, primarily because I am whole enough now to receive it. It’s about the work I’ve done and continue to do on myself – what I’m bringing to the unfolding story – not what I can get from it. This beautiful thing I have found is my reward. Thank you for speaking your truth. Looking forward to discovering more of your important insights. Respect.

    • Bryan Reeves says:

      Thanks Erica … I’m thrilled for you and hopeful for myself and so many others 🙂

    • Thank you, Erica, for your inspiring comments!… I’m currently going thru the heartbreak of the breakup of a passionate but short lived affair with a woman… We both said we were the love of each other’s lives… but unfortunately, incompatible values forced the relationship to end… I continue to work on myself, and I am patiently waiting to experience the kind of OTT soul-satisfying relationship which you currently are.

      LOve,
      Aurelio.

  4. caricaldwell says:

    Thank you for writing this Bryan. It articulates what has been moving through me in relationship like an itch I couldn’t quite scratch (even having read all my Deida). It is a baby bud of this devotional quality that is present and the possibilities of it are surprisingly exhilarating and grounding – expanding in all directions and all domains. Glad to have found you today via comment on Nicole Daedone’s FB page. Will be following your work with anticipation….

    • Bryan Reeves says:

      Hi Cari. Thank you for sharing your experience, as well. It is an exciting time, even as it somewhat frightens me. I’ve never experienced such devotion, don’t even know that I’m capable of offering it, yet I’m voraciously hungry to experience it. Thanks for showing up. I’ll check out your blog as well. Bryan.

  5. Jennifer says:

    “Masculine men tend to relate (connect) to the world more through the mind-intellect filter, whereas feminine women relate (connect) more through feeling experiences. I’d love to hear from you about this.”
    I think men and woman can go back in forth with their masculine/feminine energy depending on the situation. I agree for the most part that woman are feelers, men relate from the mind.
    My opinion is to be in the 3rd stage, one must balance the mind, heart and genitals and move from that place. I also find it helpful for myself to have an equal balance of my own inner masculine/feminine.

    enjoying your blog. 🙂

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