6 Things an Evolved Man Wants From a Woman

author note: as my views on “surrender” continue to evolve, I edit this blog to reflect that (last revision: 9/1/14).

6 Things Evolved Men Want photo by Erik Fischer

photo: Erik Fischer

I hear women these days talk about wanting an evolved, conscious man. I’ve decided that mostly means they want to be with a man who can see a woman’s entire humanity, the profound gifts she has to offer as a feminine woman and a human being, before focusing on her ass. He has also embraced his own internal dose of femininity, so he can truly embrace the feminine women in his midst. There’s surely more to say about that, but I don’t want to make a big production of this point. I won’t claim to actually be an evolved man, anyway, which might disqualify me if I did. I still eat cheeseburgers, so …

Nonetheless, a brilliant mature woman I consider to be evolved recently asked me what an evolved man wants from a woman. So with her inquiry as my sole credential, here goes:

(quick note: this might push some buttons due to centuries of imbalanced masculine oppression; I invite you to see past that to new possibilities for how masculine and feminine energies can come together in true wisdom)


1) He wants her full authentic self.

An evolved man wants a woman who won’t change to be with him, who mostly doesn’t give two sheets what other people think about her, including even him. She isn’t arrogant; she just knows who she is and doesn’t need to prove that she has the right to live however she desires. Sure, they might have to make difficult choices in the details of their life together (aka “compromise”), but she doesn’t shrink or sell herself out to make him happy. It won’t.

He won’t criticize her for being her authentic self, either.

An evolved man longs to see his woman radiant and genuinely happy. If she isn’t thrilled about her everyday life, he won’t be, either. Not because she’s responsible for his feelings (she’s not), but because the second best gift she could ever give him is her own authentic happiness, which brings me to #2 …


 2) He wants her authentic happiness.

This is not some sinister desire to capture a woman’s joyful heart in an iron box and isolate her in a household castle. An evolved man just wants his woman so in love with her life that her radiant joy is present in the room more often than not. Yes there will be tough times. He won’t expect her to always be happy – he doesn’t want some spooky Stepford wife with a fake smile. He simply wants her aware enough to know that she’s responsible for her own happiness.

He’ll be doing his best to be a good man for her, but he doesn’t want to be burdened with “making her happy.”

The 2010 Bell of the Ball

Photo: Bryan Reeves (Burning Man 2010)

He’s busy enough trying to manage his own experience. Understanding this allows both partners to safely bring their real truths to the relationship every day, which is essential to sustaining real intimacy … which is what an evolved man truly wants.


3) He wants her to love him with wild abandon.

Many years ago I witnessed a new bride gaze with such absolute adoration upon her new husband’s face that I felt the Earth jealous even though it had the Sun. An evolved man wants his woman to radiate her love all over him like that. He will do his best to earn that from her, but then again … what has the Earth ever done to earn the Sun?

An evolved man wants his woman to love him profoundly despite his imperfections, to consistently see through his human flaws to the very best of him.

There’s an important caveat, however, as so many women are great at loving with wild abandon, but in a way that’s often self-defeating. An evolved man doesn’t want a woman to abandon herself to love him or stay if he consistently acts horribly, failing to honor their agreements (an evolved man can still fall victim to messing up big time; he’s human, after all). Which brings me urgently to #4 …


4) He wants her to communicate openly and even call out his bullshit … but respectfully.

An evolved man wants a woman who will speak her truth to him, a woman who knows men aren’t equipped to read minds or even not-so-subtle clues.

He also wants her to hold him accountable to his highest potential as a man, and always with love and respect.

He does NOT want her looking for every flaw in an attempt to make him perfect. That’s just annoying. But he also doesn’t want her to hold back when she sees him acting out of integrity or playing small in his life. An intimate relationship is a powerful vehicle for a person’s evolution, and he knows he’ll always be growing and evolving. He wants a woman who will support him in that evolution, and who’s also learned the difference between healthy, honest communication and needling criticism.


5) He wants her to surrender.

If I haven’t already, here’s where I might lose “evolved man” credibility with you. I might even make you hate me, for this one’s a real stretch in our current understanding of gender equality. I was surrounded by powerful women growing up – 3 sisters and 2 mothers – so I’m completely for woman-power. This is not about regressing to some 1950s vision of women surrendering their fate to men. No way. It’s far beyond that insanity. Hear me out.

An evolved man doesn’t even try to possess a woman. He doesn’t want her to abandon her dreams or live only for him. He wants her to live fully in her truth.

However, he does want her to relax and trust him primarily to lead their lives together. He will always want and respect her input on matters that affect their lives, and if he’s truly an evolved man he’ll always work to get her wholehearted buy-in on important decisions. But this may surprise you:

An evolved man doesn’t actually want 50/50 decision-making in his intimate relationship. When two people dance together, only one can lead.

I dated a feminine latin woman for four years. She was passionate and fiery and brilliant, and our relationship was wildly turbulent. She actually asked me once to lead our relationship into calmer waters, which I tried desperately to do for years. Thing is, even while she asked me to lead, she couldn’t relax enough to actually let me. I decided to try an experiment with her where we literally danced together one night. I let her lead first, and I surrendered to her lead. Our dance was smooth and flowing, sexy and rhythmic (I’m part Puerto Rican, I can dance!). Then I asked her to surrender and let me lead. The dance suddenly became jerky and hesitant. Our bodies no longer flowed smoothly together. Her body resisted everywhere I wanted to take her even as she tried to flow with me. She simply couldn’t relax and let me lead.

Surrender is about trust. An evolved man wants his woman’s trust to lead the relationship, whatever that means. Of course he needs to be worthy of her trust, but we are talking about an evolved man here. He’s endlessly demonstrating trustworthiness with his woman. Which in large part means he’s demonstrating clear commitment to serving a life purpose beyond his own little tyrant ego’s whims. She can rest assured in her surrender that she isn’t merely giving her brilliant feminine gifts to a purely self-serving man.

I did not do a good job cultivating trust with my latin girlfriend, because I was not yet committed to my deepest purpose of living life in raw truth. So she couldn’t fully relax with me. An evolved man’s woman will no doubt be brilliant, and he won’t always be right. But when he’s living clearly from his deepest purpose, he wants her to trust his clarity and direction. I’m not denying the importance of compromise, but I’m also not talking about what an evolved man wants from a roommate or business partner. In a 50-50 relationship, the man may begin to feel he needs his woman’s approval for most of his decisions. If this happens, he risks abandoning his core purpose (if he even knew yet what it was), forsaking his masculine gift.

This devolves into that pitiable cliche in which his woman has his metaphorical balls in a metaphorical jar. Her will dominates their lives because they’ve created a pattern in which he needs her permission for every decision. Eventually, she won’t want to fuck him anymore, because she’s attracted to a man with balls … a man deeply committed to his purpose. It’s a sad irony.

A woman who wants to strap his balls to her vagina won’t do well with an evolved man.

He doesn’t need or even want her permission to live everyday towards his deepest purpose, which almost certainly isn’t just to be his woman’s partner (Lloyd Dobler was an adorable evolved adolescent at best, but not an evolved man … look it up). He definitely doesn’t want a flimsy, timid woman who obeys his every command, but she doesn’t want a wishy-washy man, either. She wants a man who lives his truth without needing anyone’s permission to do so, even hers. So even in her strength as an evolved woman, she’s able to relax and mostly let him drive … unless he has no direction or he’s driving them off a cliff, in which case revisit #4.


6) He wants her to surrender sexually, too.

I don’t mean to infuriate traditional feminists, but an evolved man still does want sex. Passionate. Consistent. Anytime. Sex. He wants no games; no withholding; no negotiating. Sex.

An evolved man would rather negotiate with terrorists than negotiate anything for sex with his intimate partner.

An evolved man would never take his woman sexually when she genuinely doesn’t want him to. That’s called rape even when you’re married, and it’s always wrong. But he’ll want a woman who has cultivated a healthy enough relationship to her sexuality that she can enthusiastically, wholeheartedly and with sincere pleasure offer herself to him most anytime he wants her. He accepts that she won’t always be so willing, and he won’t ever make her guilty for it.

He’ll be deeply sensitive to her needs, but not at the expense of castrating himself internally to protect her from his ravenous sexuality. This is often what makes men turn to porn, strip clubs, massage parlors, affairs. Feeling his woman consistently shut off sexually from him is aggravating beyond description. Culturally we’ve created immense amounts of shame around sexuality. It’s time we set that insanity on fire, with our loins.

If his woman is consistently shut off to him sexually, there’s a disconnect somewhere between them and he’ll want to explore it together with haste. It might be the way he’s showing up in their relationship; it might be chemical; it might be something else. But he’ll want to explore it. And he’ll want his woman to want to explore it openly with him.

That’s what evolved couples do: communicate deeply, vulnerably, with appreciation for differences, with the ultimate goal of creating pure fucking magic together, every single day.

One last thing on #6: an evolved man won’t make his ejaculation (or hers for that matter) the point of sex. But that’s a whole other article.


love-kiss-man-woman-silhouette-fire-smoke

In the end, an evolved man doesn’t actually want anything in particular from a woman other than her authentic self.

He’s self-satisfied, so she’s free to be whoever she wants to be. He’ll certainly recognize when things are off and want to explore that with her. But he won’t make her responsible for his happiness, either, and he won’t ever ask her to live inauthentically for him. If ever he does, he’ll be aware enough to see that his request just points to some personal internal confusion he hasn’t quite reconciled with yet. She’s still off the hook for his happiness.


What does this bring up for you? Please leave a thoughtful comment.


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A former US Air Force Captain, Bryan Reeves has survived multiple dark nights of the soul and done really stupid things with women that he deeply regrets and has learned a great deal from. Bryan is now a Life Coach & Relationship Coach for men, women, and couples, and is the author of the viral blog, "Choose Her Every Day (or Leave Her)," at www.bryanreeves.com.

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Posted in Conscious Relationships, Love, Masculine Feminine, Relationships, Sexuality
158 comments on “6 Things an Evolved Man Wants From a Woman
  1. The problem I have with this article is something I don’t think many people have discussed yet, which is the idea of choice. When I dance with a partner I prefer to follow, but I do not consider this the same as surrendering. Surrendering is by definition a coercive act. It is not a choice. To surrender is to give something up, usually because there is no alternative. To me, this is not a healthy foundation for a relationship.

    Even if your definition of “surrender” is different from mine, I would argue that by insisting that the “evolved man” lead everything in every relationship, you are denying women an important choice. Some women like to lead all the time, some women like to follow all the time, and some – like me – prefer to lead in areas where they are confident but follow in situations where their partner is better suited to lead. All of these preferences are completely normal and should be equally valid if the man is sufficiently “evolved”.

    Just putting that out there.

    • Bryan Reeves says:

      I agree. As I have written more in the comments than the actual article, I wrote this really from the perspective of what a predominantly masculine man wants in intimacy from a woman. Actually, it’s not about man-woman at all, but masculine-feminine. This article won’t specifically apply to everyone, but it will apply to the dance of masculine-feminine energies inside us all.

  2. Nathan Doyle says:

    Admittedly, what I’m about to write may be off base a bit from the article itself and the commentary though, this is what the article inspired me to write so, please allow me to share the thoughts in generated within me:

    I remember when the world was flat. Do you remember that? Then one day we started sailing the seas and someone noticed that the ships in the distant horizon fell off the edge and were lost forever. They then realized, when those same ships returned from the cliffs of a flattened world, that the world must in fact be round for such a thing to be possible. I’m sure you know the story better than I.

    Up until this point the whole world in general thought the world was flat and that was okay. It wasn’t disputed; although later it was proven wrong of course. This was THEIR truth at the TIME and it was RIGHT for a time.

    It sounds funny to us now but, if we were to time travel back before this discovery, there would be no way in hell, for the most part, we’d convince someone that world wasn’t actually flat. The people of the world needed time to grow and evolve their understanding and eventually that is what happened naturally.

    Why do I bring this up you ask and what does this have to do with this article?

    I bring this up because part of being an evolved man/women/masculine/feminine/person is understanding that not every person on the planet is evolved as much as another. Not every person is in a position to write an article like this; let alone read all the amazing commentary it generated. I read about half of the comments myself and I learned allot. Well, at the very least I understood allot. We’ll see how much I’ve actually learned and am able to put into practice going forward.

    Anyway, the article says absolutely nothing about having an understanding, a willingness to accept (acceptance of) another’s current level of enlightenment and evolution. Nothing about the fact that different people may need time and the right brew of circumstances to grow and evolve.

    We, especially in the western world, often make the mistake of thinking that our beliefs are evolved and therefore the rest of the world’s beliefs should be as well. That one should be more evolved and therefore one’s beliefs, one’s social position in time, should be more inline with our own.

    Now, I’m not saying we should continue believing that the world is flat. No, people will need to evolve or they’ll be left behind; at least under the current “system” of human evolution.

    So far I’ve spoken of things on the large scale though, I see it happening on the small scale as well; right down to personal relationships. The “issue” arrises in that we’re not allowing people/relationships/groups/countries/world time to evolve “naturally” in many cases. If you’re more enlightened then your partner then the responsibility falls on you to accept (there is that word again) the current position of your partner. Help where you can but, accept their position as a human being in time.

    I think we often times get lost in our search of perfection and forget that accepting people for who they are is often times the best way to accept ourselves for who we are.

    Again, I’m not saying we need to roll over and play dead and if you know yourself well enough to know that your partner isn’t a good fit because of what ever reason then by all means move on but, again, I did want to touch on the thought that we need to be more accepting of our partners and of ourselves. Such acceptance can go out a million different ways like a web built from the fibers of love.

    With out acceptance of the “un-evolved” rather, the “less-evolved” (I couldn’t come up with a word that didn’t have such negative condemnation so I apologize in advance) then we don’t deserve the “right” to be evolved ourselves; no matter how hard we think it and or will it.

    To accept is to love…

  3. Emmett says:

    Wow! This article is so incredibly misogynistic.

    • Bryan Reeves says:

      Where do you see “hating women” anywhere in this article?

      • sussussudio says:

        Sooo in the author’s opinion, a 50/50 relationship is actually an UNequal one because the man is entitled to more say in the relationship simply because he is a man? That is sexist. Sexism and misogyny isn’t just about “hating women” . It’s about believing that as a man, you are entitled to lead in the relationship, have the final say, that you are entitled to her body whenever you want her, it even covers your entitlement to write articles about what men want. Hey, news flash! Women don’t care what men want. We already know what you want as you have been reminding us of how we don’t fit the mold every day we’re alive on this planet through movies, tv, magazines..ect… How about you listen to what women want for a change, and this woman wants you to stop spreading poisonous misogynist garbage !

      • Bryan Reeves says:

        No … a 50/50 relationship is perfectly equal. And nowhere did I say a man is “entitled.” In fact, quite the opposite. I say very clearly that women are free to do whatever they want, and any “evolved” man will respect that.

        However, what I AM suggesting is that there’s another evolutionary step possible for us beyond so-called “50/50 equality” that can bring many of us back home to the deeper experiences stirring in our core. We live in a predominantly 50/50 society, and our divorce rate is still sky-high, and possibly even rising (according to a recent study released by demographers at the University of Minnesota)

        50/50 isn’t the end of our evolutionary story. It’s the beginning of a new chapter.

        For most people, deep within our being are expressions of a more masculine or more feminine nature. Those expressions of being are very different from each other, and so they each have different gifts to offer the world and each other. They are equally valuable and essential to the health of humanity. We need them both, in the world at large, in our intimate relationships, and even in our own selves. But they are very different expressions from each other.

        To clarify, some women will be naturally more masculine and so won’t identify with surrender the way I’ve written about it here. Also, that more masculine woman won’t be as attractive to a man who more naturally expresses healthy masculine energy. She’ll want a more feminine man, or feminine woman, anyway, whose femininity is yearning to surrender in trustful embrace to a masculine form of love. That’s how polarity attraction works, in gay or straight relationships. These opposite energies attract each other.

        I don’t mean “surrender” in this article as a synonym for give up your power to me. I know some are having a hard time seeing past that, given so much history of masculine abuse of the feminine. But I’m pointing beyond that. And my article doesn’t say anyone is entitled to tell other people what to do.

        all I’m saying is that when we pretend those primal differences between masculine and feminine don’t exist, our intimate relationships suffer. That’s all.

      • shelby says:

        I do not sense misogynistic undertones in this at all, at least not intentional ones. And the author made it clear from the get, that he was not trying to; A) upset the strong female readers, or B) define himself as an “evolved” man. If one finds sexism in this mans honest words, then in my personal opinoin, they didnt read it thoroughly, (or maybe just read these words without the open mind “evolved” individuals need, in order to learn more, love more, and thus evolve even more.)
        I for one understand, in probably my own way, what he means speaking of building out of the 50/50 into something more spiritual and intimate. The Tao Te Ching says (and im sure im mildly misquoting), “a womans greatest purpose is to walk a man down his spiritual path, and a mans greatest purpose is to protect that woman, so she may walk him where she pleases”
        There is a definite difference in a man holding a woman in the confines under his thumb, and a man holding a gentle and trusting feminine woman (because he is indeed a trustworthy man) under the safety of his masculine arms.

  4. Coco H. says:

    Thank you for your perspective. Your words are thoughtful and insightful. May I ask you; however, to correct the anatomical reference made in trait number 5? A woman would/would not strap balls to her vulva (external anatomy of female), rather than her vagina (internal anatomy of female). I realize this may be regarded as insignificant details, yet there is value in all evolved beings to empower themselves by correctly addressing anatomical structures, especially those that are often intrinsically linked with identity. Sat Nam.

    • Bryan Reeves says:

      I certainly don’t mean to propagate anatomical impossibilities. However, I meant it as metaphor (which I know you know), and sadly more people would be distracted from the point and confused if I used the word “vulva” (what/where the heck is that? too many would surely say). And since my intent for this article isn’t an anatomical lesson, I’ll let your comment stand as the anatomically educational clarification for all those similarly concerned 🙂 Satnam back to you!

  5. I have so much to say and yet nothing at all, because I am tired of saying and doing- I just want to BE! This was a great article and I look forward to reading all of the responses.

    Masculine and feminine are very challenging concepts for people in our culture to comprehend, myself included. We live in a masculine culture and the women in our culture live in a masculine paradigm as far as how we measure what is good and bad. I have written a bit on this and hope to write more between being a single mother, a doctor, and a business owner who spends all of my free time attempting to cultivate my feminine 😉 Here is my blog- it is sequential so it makes the most sense if you start from the very first post. http://tobeawoman2013.wordpress.com/
    Cheers! I very much look forward to reading more of your work.

  6. Camille Ochoa says:

    I have been married for a few years (I’d definitely consider it to be a happy union), and I love this article. Having been raised in a progressive, feminist, matriarchal environment, I understand how difficult some of these ideas can be for modern women. In fact, at the beginning of our relationship I had my own struggles letting go of the “i need to make sure I get my way because he’s a man and will probably take a mile if I give him an inch” mindset. But when I was able to relax and trust in the vision that he has for us as a couple (now as a family), I became more patient and flexible. My opinions and suggestions still matter deeply to our family, but I don’t feel the need to dictate every turn this ship makes. And guess what?! Our relationship is stronger than ever. We are happy. I was initially attracted to him because he was a strong man in full possession of himself. Why should I strip away that sense of purpose and usefulness from him now that he has committed himself to me? And the crazy thing is that we usually end up taking the course of action that I suggest! He trusts me because he knows I trust him. I don’t fight him for control, so he doesn’t obsess about who has the control. It’s nice; it works for us.

  7. Danny says:

    I pretty much agree with your article and she buys into point five. The problem is that she wants to have sexual relationships with other men and says that is important for her to be truly authentic and truly happy. My truth is about monogamy and that feels fundamental for me. So for us points one and two seem to conflict with point five, any suggestions?

    • Bryan Reeves says:

      Hi Danny. Thanks for reaching out and asking. In order for your any relationship to be successful for more than a short-term duration, you need more than just chemistry. You also need compatibility. Just beyond the initial relationship phase of “let’s hang out together because this feels great” is the second phase: “let’s talk about building together.” … This is when you get clear about whether or not you both want to build the same kind of life, and whether you’re both even ready to start down that path.

      From the little information you provided, it seems you have a fundamental difference in the kind of life you want to create. At least today. Your girlfriend may grow out of her desire for polyamory in the future, or you may grow out of your desire for monogamy in the future. But today at least, it seems like you have an unbridgeable difference.

      Unless one of you is willing to dance with the other’s lifestyle desires, or somehow you come to a clear agreement that lives in some lifestyle variation that works for both of you … in other words if you are both simply committed to the different lifestyles you now envision for yourself, then you’re simply not compatible with each other right now. You may have great chemistry, but great chemistry isn’t going to sustain you through the pain and resentment that is sure to build if you stay together with this incompatibility unresolved.

      I.e. If you want different things, you want to different things. Genuinely loving another human being means giving them the space to live the life they are yearning for. Which sometimes means letting them go.

      It’s hard I know. I hope this is helpful in bringing you clarity in some way.

  8. ckahniea1 says:

    Bryan,

    Everyone is at different levels of moving into a “mature Masculine/Feminine” relationship with themselves and life. I use this term as it is used by Jungians to describe people who are well balanced in their own male/female aspects. This is a LIFE LONG process and extremely demanding on individuals, couples and society at large. Marriage with ones self can occur within the context of a stable relationship or not, but Marriage is the greatest form of psychotherapy that exists.

    This kind of relationship cannot be found: both members of a couple have to grow into it. Some folks cant wait for the other to catch up and ditch the thing…which is good and bad.

    Connie

  9. Believe says:

    This article is very interesting and I agree with it. If you’re not in this place within yourself it can seem confusing, but if you’re already in this mindset and seek these traits in a relationship it is awesome to want this. This is what im seeking, it’s finding it with the right person that makes it challenging. Finding like minded people to sustain this kind of relationship would probably be a journey, worth it though. 🙂

    • Bryan Reeves says:

      Yes this can be quite a challenging conversation depending on what you believe about masculine and feminine roles and dynamics – and what role you’re genuinely called to play – in relationships. Thanks Believe!

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