I know what you’re thinking.
“Let’s have sex” … These are actually NOT the three sexiest words a woman can say to a man. They might be the most instantly sex-inducing words she can say, but they’re not the sexiest. Sexy is about way more than sex.
Also, if you read my recent article, The Sexiest 3 Words a Man Can Say to a Woman, you might infer that these are the three sexiest words a woman can say to a man: “You get this.”
Men don’t typically find it sexy to be ordered around by an intimate partner. Most women don’t find a man who will follow their orders very sexy, either. After all, there’s nothing sexy about a doormat, or walking on one. (dominatrixing is outside the scope of this exploration)
The three words I’m talking about – whether she whispers them in his ear or writes them in sharpie on a pizza box top and subtly pushes them into his view – can quickly flood his spinal cord with backbone fluid, snap his shoulders square and unfurl his superman cape. They’re so potent that a man freshly armed with these words may suddenly find himself inspired to leap tall buildings in a single bound and rescue kittens from trees. They definitely inspire him to show up for her, whatever that looks like in the moment.
These three words make him feel deeply sexy.
These three words make everyone feel sexy.
For when he truly receives them, they trigger his primal masculinity, strengthening him with resolve, deepening his commitment to purpose. For her to authentically offer them, she must allow herself to relax and surrender ambition to control how this moment flows, which is enlivening to her sensual feminine essence.
With these three words, she is essentially saying, “I know you’ve got this.”
The three sexiest words a woman can say to a man are:
“I trust you.”
“I don’t trust you.”
My last serious relationship had core problems around trust. For five years, I ached for her trust in me, but she would never fully offer it. She never admitted this, but she was still angry over her ex-husband’s sexual betrayal, and I was paying the price. In fairness, though, I wasn’t yet a man fully worthy of her trust. Early in our relationship, before we had even agreed on being monogamous, she caught me in a lie which antagonized her betrayal wound. My lie set fire to her toxic waste pond.
Disregarding what would soon become a raging hellfire, we moved in together.
Since we’re talking sexy here, I’ll share that we had exquisite sex. Lots of it. Delicious physical pleasure. Truly. Lots.
But without trust, neither one of us allowed ourselves to be truly vulnerable witheach other. Neither of us felt safe to surrender to the blissful exchange of love energy that flows between two people in a healthy intimacy, which requires vulnerability.
She gave me her body during sex, but often withheld her true heart. She didn’t feel emotionally safe with me, so she rarely offered the immense love inside her that ached for expression in our relationship.
We looked sexy together on the outside, and we had physical pleasure, but we felt awful in our depths.
“True sexy” arises from a person’s depths.
True sexy is about being deeply empowered in your entire being; it’s about moving through the world connected and aligned to your deepest truth. Stepping fully into the brilliance of you who are, mind, body, heart and soul, in this very moment. As a very sexy friend of mine wrote recently on my Facebook wall, “I feel sexiest when I am living who I really am.”
In my relationship, we did not feel safe to give the gift of our true selves to each other. She was persistently afraid I would abandon her, so she held back the gift of her trust and her full love. I was persistently frustrated by her attempts to control me, so I resisted completely cherishing her and showing up for her in countless ways.
Resentment seethed during the 23 hours a day when we weren’t having sex. We were often either dodging blame or flinging it at each other like monkey feces.
It was not a sexy experience.
When a woman trusts a man, she’s trusting in the gift of his masculinity to protect and provide strength and effective direction in this moment. She is letting go of worry, allowing herself to open and soften any walls around her sensual, feeling heart. She melts into vulnerability and offers the expression of her true self in this moment.
To be told, “I trust you,” by a woman is to be told:
“I trust that you will hold me and everything I care about as infinitely precious; that you will act to protect and cherish my life, my heart, as well as the lives and hearts of those I care about: my children, my mothers and my sisters, too, for our hearts are all one. I also trust that you will be a place of steadfast strength I can anchor to when I might otherwise be overcome by the turbulent winds of this ever-changing moment. I offer my real self to you, relaxed and vulnerable, confident that your best self will keep me safe as I do.”
Or something like that.
A woman’s willingness to be her true, unguarded self is an essential aspect of her feminine gift, for her femininity shines through when she relaxes into herself. Whether the warm glow emanating from her lit-up eyes, the sensual swing in her confident step or the raw unbridled truth in her authentic sharing, her femininity is wildly attractive to many men. It even compels men to step deeper into their own innate masculinity.
In other words, these three words can inspire a man to claim his birthright as a responsible, loving, ethical being who champions all life and passionately serves the greater good.
They inspire him to not let her down. And every man wants to make his woman proud of him.
Imagine a world in which all men are genuinely worthy of any woman’s trust.
Damn, that would be one sexy planet!
“I trust you.”